first ever movie script[only 1 r 2 scenes so far] read if you have time and give feedback please
Kongii Wongii
,
Monday, 9th of August 2010 10:45:55 PM
Balian wrote on 02:28AM at Jun 13th, 2008 INT. BEDROOM - Kongii Wongii MORNING
NARARATOR
Meet Jim, your average Registered User man, the man you never notice, the man who works the nine to five day job Joined: Saturday, 8th of May 2010, 00:46:50 everyday without fail, the lonely man, you get the picture. Posts: 273 />
We are looking at a small room, covered with Viewed 14996 times grey wallpaper with the odd painting of a woman half dressed standing in
front of a small fence, but with her breasts covered in duct-tape. The
floor is dressed with white carpet and as clean as clean can get. In the
corner of the room is a small single mattress bed with a black duvet
covering the frame of a man tossing and turning mumbling constantly to
himself.
ALARM CLOCK- RINGING
At
precisely 7.00am
Jim opens his eyes and
stares at the ceiling before letting out a huge sigh
/>
JIM
Wednesday the 11th of June, another day for
me to do what l do best……let the world know l don’t exist.
/>
Jim stands to his feet, stretching both arms as wide as he
can , looking like he is about to fly away. He stares at the painting of
the woman.
JIM
You should be glad l
covered you up, cant be having you all nudely naked , distgusting
behaviour for a woman of your beauty.
/>Jim then turns around and starts to walk towards the bathroom which is
threw one damp and worn out looking brown door, he pushes his way past and
into his small bathroom, consisting of a green lino floor and white tiled
walls. One small mirror, a bathtub with a shower appliance, an overused
toilet by the looks of it and a sink placed in front of the small
mirror.Jim stands in front of the mirror and looks at himself. He is a man
of petit stature a man in his early forthys, with short but curly black
hair and tired eyes and a small twitch on his bottom lip, a slightly hairy
chest revealed threw his un-buttoned blue pyjama top.
/>JIM
Ahhhh….look its me again, l need a new mirror, maybe
then l might look better, maybe a brad pitt mirror, mmm note to self stop
at mirror shop and buy a brad pitt mirror.
/>
Jim grabs his red toothbrush and dabbles it with toothpaste before
taking it to his mouth and brushing, slowly but surely, up and down and
side to side, he places his toothbrush back into its little pocket on the
wall and rinses his mouth out.
JIM
la
la la la di dom dom, my name is Jim Cooper and l am your man of the year,
ah who am l kidding? l work at an airport, hav’nt even got employee of
the month or a free sandwich.
Jim
walks towards his closet when he sets his eyes on the painting on the wall
again,and thinks to himself shall he have one peek of what is under the
dark grey duct-tape, but he fights his over whelming temptation and moves
towards the closet.
CUT TO KITCHEN
TABLE
Jim is standing at his wooden two
person table rushing his last bit of breakfeast wearing his airport desk
clerk uniform consisting of a blue t-shirt, a white blazer and black
pants, which in fact are too small for him , and showing his cotton white
socks .
JIM
Mmmm.. Why cant
the world be made of you captian crunch delicious cereal, but you always
keep me late don’t you captian, yup yup you sure do, but l forgive you
as you taste so damn good.
Jim places the bowl on
the table and proceeds to walk out the door, keys in one hand and a small
brown suitcase containing his lunch and a pen.
/>
CUT TO JIM ENTERING CAR
Jim walks out of his
appartment building and into the car park which is just to the left of the
building, car park has about 50 spaces , but only 4 cars remain in it ,one
of them been Jim’s. Jim jingles his keys in his hands with a sad and
lonely look on his face , and brushing his small curly hair back with the
free hand. Stops beside an old run down green Toyota Corolla and slots his
key into the lock on the door,it takes a few attempts but finally gets the
door unlocked and enters, re-adjusting his rear view mirror.
/>
The radio comes on playing a heavy metal band screaming very
loudly, Jim winches before turning it off
Jim/>
l just don’t get it , why do these young people have to shout,
what ever happened to billy ocean? At least that was calm and…
/>
Before Jim gets to finish his sentence another
song comes on the radio,it’s a pop song ,Jim looks bemused before
driving off, not even bothering to turn the radio off as he knows another
song he dislikes will just be on the next radio station.
/>
CUTS TO JIM PULLING INTO EMPLOYEE PARKING AREA
/>
Jim parks his car and shuts off the engine and begins
to step out of the car, when a small chubby manwith a bald spot the size
of China on his head and also in his early 40’s runs towards him waving
his hands and a slight limp
GARY
Hey
Jim! Jim! Hey, hey , whats up man? Did you see channel 5 last night
,woooooooo man they had some nice ******* on there, Hey Jim! Jim! , guess
what??? C’ mon guess!!
Jim
What gaaary
!!!???!!
Gary
The stewardess’s from
Europe arrived in at about 5am, l gotta get me a piece of that man, can u
imagine? Bang bang whishk whishk…..ha huh huh? You with me?
/>
Jim
Leave me alone Gary
/>Jim walks threw the sliding doors as Gary stops just before still with a
huge smile on his face
GARY
Ok Jim, catch
you later my man !!
Jim walks down a
wide hallway covered in blue and white wallpaper and a shining wooden
floor with stickers ;BAIL-AIRWAYS;
He comes to a electronic
doorway where he swipes his employee card. The card dosent work, so he
tries again. A security guard at the other side looks at him as if Jim was
about to ask a question,
SECURITY GUARD
/>Having a problem sir?
JIM
Ah ya my
card wont work !!
SECURITY GUARD
Are you
sure? Try it again
Jim swipes it again but still no
result
The security guard then takes his card and
swiped it true, working on the first attempt. Jim then walks true but
abruptly stopped by the guard.
SECURITY GUARD/>
Woooo where you goin buddy
JIM
/>To work
SECURITY GUARD
Goin to need to
see some I.D
JIM
Are you kidding? l have
been workin here for 12 years !!
SECURITY GUARD/>
C’mon just let me see your I.D
/>Jim pulls out his I.D from his left blazer pocket and shows it to the
guard with a sarcastic look on his face and sighs before walking to his
locker in the staff room just to the left of the security door.
moochie
,
Tuesday, 10th of August 2010 12:42:28 PM
Nisovin I can say one word & tell you the funniest film in the moochie past decade & it has a narrator - Anchorman Registered User Joined: Sunday, 18th of April 2010, 02:41:05 I laughed at this. I could imagine someone like Steve Carrell playing Posts: 1053 Jim. Speaking to the naked lady he has covered up is good & then when he Viewed 5209 times gets back he almost has a sneaky look. Talking to Captain cereal is good
as well. I think the security guard should call him Jim & not sir. Then
it is a bit funnier that he makes him show him his ID before letting him
through.
Of course nothing interesting has happened in this part. It is
introducing the character as a loser lost soul. It is the beginning of a
film & how many films does anybody know that last this long? They don't
do they. Also, while reading something like this you have to imagine what
is happening. If you read the script from ur favourite funny film it
wouldn't be as funny as actually seeing it
kumquatt
,
Wednesday, 11th of August 2010 06:38:51 AM
Three points: kumquatt Registered User 1. Is the narrator really necessary? Does the narrator say anything that Joined: Monday, 3rd of May 2010, 23:20:36 the viewer really needs to know immediately? Honestly, get rid of the Posts: 1622 narrator. How many good movies have narrators? Viewed 14581 times
2. Why does Jim talk to himself? Is it because he has a weird personality
disorder, is that just the way he is, or is it just a device so that you
can put in some information? If it is one of the first two, you might
consider cutting down on the dialogue with himself, if it is the last,
definitely cut it. He really doesn't say anything too important anyway.
3. Nothing happens. I read through the whole thing, & not one interesting
thing happens, except a man wakes up & goes to work. If you want a good
story, it needs to start with something interesting.
Edit:
I stand by what I said with the narrator thing. I wouldn't consider
''Anchorman'' a good movie. If you ever take a creative writing class, one
of the things they will almost certainly tell you is ''show, don't tell.''
This applies a lot to writing stories & novels, but it applies to movies
as well. You are already showing what Jim is life is like. You can see
that he is just an average, lonely guy, with a normal, dull job.
Therefore, there is absolutely no need for the narrator to say this before
it begins. Get rid of it, it adds nothing, & is in fact distracting.
As for my third point that nothing happens, if this piece of script all
happens in a minute or two, then you can get away with it. However,
something significant needs to happen within the first ten minutes, &
preferably within five. The plot needs to be there by then, or the viewer
will not be interested.
honey bunch
,
Thursday, 12th of August 2010 07:26:43 PM
Hmmmm . . . not sure to be honest. honey bunch Registered User Joined: Friday, 4th of June 2010, 06:06:53 Posts: 996 Viewed 11355 times
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